International Lampoon Exclusive: Macron Sues Candace Owens, Demands Gender Reveal Party in Court

DELAWARE — In the most bizarre courtroom showdown since Amber Heard blamed a tiny dog for a giant mess, French President Emmanuel Macron and First Lady Brigitte Macron have officially sued conservative podcaster Candace Owens in U.S. court for “22 counts of defamation, 1 count of audacity, and infinite counts of nerve.”

The 219-page lawsuit, which weighs more than Macron’s approval rating, claims Owens has engaged in a “campaign of global humiliation” by insisting the French First Lady is not, in fact, a lady. The complaint includes archived newspaper clippings, screenshots, and, we assume, a dramatic reenactment narrated by Gérard Depardieu.

“Becoming Brigitte”—The Documentary Nobody Asked For

Owens, who hosts a podcast so controversial that even YouTube put it in digital quarantine, produced an eight-part docuseries titled “Becoming Brigitte.” According to the lawsuit, the series featured such tasteful allegations as:

• Brigitte Macron was born a man named Jean-Michel.
• The Macrons are blood relatives.
• Emmanuel Macron was installed by the CIA in a baguette-based psyop.

Asked for comment, the CIA said, “We don’t even control our own copier toner budget. Please stop.”

Owens, undeterred by libel laws or common decency, told her audience: “I’d stake my entire professional reputation on it—which, given the trajectory, is roughly equivalent to wagering a Blockbuster membership card.”

Candace: “I Wake Up, I Coffee, I Get Sued”

In her response podcast, Owens treated the lawsuit with the gravity of a brunch menu. “This is just goofy,” she said, before doubling down with the poise of a toddler yelling “NO!” to a fire marshal.

She also claimed Brigitte is a “groomer,” a “pedophile,” and “definitely a man,” while accusing the lawsuit of being a coordinated attack by “a sadistic global syndicate,” the Macron family, and Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Owens also expressed hopes to “depose President Trump as a witness,” stating, “He told me he once asked Macron directly if Brigitte had a penis—and Macron just choked on his croissant and changed the subject.”

Macron Responds from the Elysée: “C’est Non.”

President Macron, speaking from behind a velvet curtain somewhere in Versailles, said, “This is not just a defamation suit. This is a crusade for the dignity of France, the honor of my wife, and to restore balance to a world where Alex Jones gets invited to barbecues.”

The Macrons are represented by Clare Locke LLP, known for slapping Fox News with a $787 million lawsuit. When reached for comment, a firm spokesperson whispered, “We usually sue billion-dollar media companies. This… this is different.”

When asked why they filed in Delaware, Macron reportedly replied, “Because that’s where America hides its secrets, yes?”

Legal Experts Predict: “Oh Mon Dieu.”
U.S. legal analysts say this is a rare instance of a head of state suing an American podcaster for “laundering conspiracy theories like socks in a French bidet.” Under U.S. law, the Macrons must prove actual malice—which shouldn’t be hard given Owens’ public statements like, “I’ll see you in court, and I’ll ask about your penis under oath.”

Owens’ team, in a press release likely written in ALL CAPS, described the lawsuit as “a foreign attack on the First Amendment” and suggested Brigitte Macron might be part of a plot to “cancel womanhood itself.”

The Merch War Begins

To help fund her legal battle, Owens launched a new merch line including:

• “Brigitte 2025: TIME Man of the Year” T-shirts.
• Coffee mugs labeled “Uncroissanted.”
• A new perfume called “Litigation by Owens.”

In retaliation, French designers have begun producing embroidered neck scarves reading “Liberté, Égalité, File a Cease-and-Desisté.”

Conclusion: Who Needs Satire When Reality Writes Itself?

As the world braces for the ultimate courtroom drama—Les Misérables: The Gender Lawsuit Edition—one thing is clear: we have now entered the metaverse of defamation, where lawsuits are publicity stunts, podcasts are court filings, and geopolitics is just an extension of influencer beef.

Stay tuned for the trial of the century, which legal scholars are already calling “Zut Alors v. The Constitution.” Will Candace Owens get her day in court? Will Brigitte Macron be forced to show her birth certificate? Will Joe Rogan livestream it all from a sensory deprivation tank?

Only one thing is certain: somewhere in France, a mime is shaking his head in silent despair.